For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
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Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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