i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There r osticjed everywhere
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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