Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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