You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Pooping to opera.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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