If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
