my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
