dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
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