tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
