oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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