im having a threesome with these popsicles
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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