thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
