Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
