i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
