Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
