I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
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boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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