They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
