right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
