my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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