Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
