My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
