my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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