I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
