Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
