My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
