he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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