Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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