____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
