I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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