if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
