and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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