I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.