I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
