guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
