So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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