so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
