i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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