I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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