when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
