"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
