just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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