I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
