Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
