did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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