I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
