oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
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So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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