i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
