Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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