Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
