Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
