my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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