Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He shit in the fireplace
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
