Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
