you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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