moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
