What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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